Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
