were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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