Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I feel great
I just peed on a car
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
