I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How does it feel to date your dad?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
