Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
