so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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