She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
