whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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