Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
