I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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