woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
