I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
