I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
