Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
