chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
