i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
