Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
