If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
