from now on my penis is your penis
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize