i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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