Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
