I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
