I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
