I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
