I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
