Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
