We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found puke in my bra..
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
