I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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