what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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