just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
