just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
