alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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