Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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