she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Randomize
