Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
