K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
