You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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