yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
