I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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