i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
