Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
