Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
