I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
