piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
