the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
