So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
