You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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