my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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