had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
