Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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